What Do You Want from Me? Are You Trying to Punish Me?

There were a few jobs last year that I really wanted. I mean, obviously, I wanted any job at a research university or a decent liberal arts college, but there were some jobs I really, really wanted. There was one where I wasn't exactly what they were looking for, but I was close enough. It was in a department with a lot of good philosophers in it. And more importantly, it was a department where people wouldn't look at me like a crazy person for doing work I do. I'd actually fit in pretty well there.

I didn't even get an APA interview with the department, let alone the job. For the most part, my reaction's been anger. As far as I'm concerned, they're a bunch of stupid fucks for not hiring me, because I'm good, I work on stuff that'd be an excellent complement to what they do, and there just aren't that many people who fit that bill. So fuck them. They live in a shit town anyway.

Needless to say, this reaction's a lot easier to process than my usual unbearable, overwhelming sense of inadequacy. So that's been good.

But today I found out the department hired a guy I went to college with. I didn't even know he was still in philosophy. And the realness, the concretenss of the comparison of him and me has brought that sense of inadequcy back hard, like a boot getting laid into my chest. Fuck.