Coughing Up Blood

I'm in the unusual position of working on a project so obscure that, as far as I'm aware, there might be two other junior people working on similar things in North America. The consequences of this for the job market are many. Right now, though, the consequence I'm dealing with is the discovery that one of those two people got offered a job I interviewed for. A job I really would have liked.

This is good in some ways. Obviously, it's good that departments are hiring in what I do, especially since the obscurity of what I do means I can't assume departments will be hiring in it. And I've read this person's work, respect it, and think it's pretty good, so it's not like I got beat by someone who sucks.

But fuck that pollyanna bullshit. The way to deal with all the rejection is to tell yourself that hiring decisions get made for all kinds of reasons. Your application probably got tossed because the department decided they had needs to fill in areas besides yours. So they went with someone else. Fine. It's not personal, it doesn't mean anything about your work, and it doesn't mean anything about you as a candidate. But now, I don't even get to tell myself that lie. It is personal, it does mean something about my work, and it means something about me as a candidate, too. And that feels like someone just kicked me in the stomach.

There's no way I'm getting any more work done today.