Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Your third drink will lead you astray

With the insight provided by the PJMB about my academic job prospects, I visited the APA’s site on non-academic jobs. Much to my surprise and relief, I found out that my Ph.D. in philosophy (should I ever finish the dissertation I am currently not writing) uniquely qualifies me for many jobs outside academia.

For example, I could be a brewer. A brewer? Fuck yeah! Excitedly I (fake) called up a (fake) major brewery:

Brewery Rep: Hello, thanks for calling [fake brewery’s name]. How may I help you?
Me: Yes, I’m calling to inquire about the assistant to the brewer position.
Brewery Rep: What are your qualifications?
Me: I’m working towards my Ph.D. in philosophy.
Brewery Rep: I’m sorry, sir. You said philosophy and not chemistry, right?
Me: Yes, I’m writing a dissertation on [some radical and cutting edge topic].
Me: And uhhh, according to the APA’s website, someone, at sometime, with a Ph.D. in philosophy became a brewer.
Me: Ummmm. (Silence) Oh! I also drink a lot of beer when I’m not [and when I am] writing [said amazing dissertation].
Brewery Rep: Are you serious?
Me: Sure I am. In fact, I think because my beer of choice won a blue ribbon in some beer competition I am uniquely qualified to come up with a formula for very tasty beer. You see, it begins with only the finest hops and grains...
Brewery Rep: Goodbye, sir.
Me: Did I mention I drink a lot of beer?
(Dial tone)

Fuck. I should’ve known I had a better chance at being an assistant manager of a hotel. Yeah, I like the sound of that: Dr. Assistant Budget Inn Manager.

--Soon-to-be-Jaded Dissertator


Anonymous said...

So, did nth year like die, get a job, have a baby, or something?

Dude, where are you?

Anonymous said...


A former grad colleague of mine.

Anonymous said...

This list is far too expansive to be of any help. One of the options is "engineer." I'm pretty confident in saying that no philosopher is qualified to be an engineer (without going through 4 years of engineering school, of course). Though I do remember seeing a job ad for someone who does philosophy of engineering, so who knows.

Other silly options: postal carrier, armed forces officer, nurse, and manager of a winery.

If I can offer some of my own advice (which I received from a non-academic career advisor): consulting, program evaluation and performance measurement*, editing, technical writing and adult education were the main options for someone with a philosopher's skill set. Of course we could re-train into law, or anything else for that matter, but these are the ones he suggested.

*I'm particularly interested in program evaluation and performance measurement, but then again I worked in scientific methodology and formal epistemology.

Ah screw it, let's find a winery to run!

Sisyphus said...

manager of a whinery.

Now this, I could do!

(And speaking as someone out in California wine country, you don't ever want to be a winery manager ---- rich early-retiree Hollywood producer types buy a fucking expensive estate and turn it into their own personal label winery all the time around here; they put the actual manager through complete hell and insist everything go exactly their way without them ever learning the chemistry or mechanics of how winemaking is run.

I have some friends who swear the chief vintner position actually only functions as a whipping boy to stroke the owners' egos.

Then again, with your PhD training...)

Anonymous said...

Hey, I AM an assistant manager at Budget Inn. So fuck you, asscheese!

Anonymous said...

I like the look of that brewery.

Anonymous said...

That's the most fucked up shit I've ever seen anywhere. The jackasses who put that site together should be sat backwards on a mule and run out of town.

Shutter said...

Hey, anonymous, at least you're employed.

Anonymous said...

yeah, what ever happened to Nth year??

Anonymous said...

I don't know about breweries, but it's clear PGS & co. have a sure thing going with this blog. See here.

damnIneedJob said...

Thought you all would enjoy ripping my site apart. damnIneedAjob.com


Anonymous said...

Anyone want to buy me drinks at the APA Pacific? I'm a whore and charge $1,500 per hour.

Anonymous said...

Sure, I'll buy you a drink, 'ho. A shot of jack!