With the insight provided by the PJMB about my academic job prospects, I visited the APA’s site on non-academic jobs. Much to my surprise and relief, I found out that my Ph.D. in philosophy (should I ever finish the dissertation I am currently not writing) uniquely qualifies me for many jobs outside academia.
For example, I could be a brewer. A brewer? Fuck yeah! Excitedly I (fake) called up a (fake) major brewery:
Brewery Rep: Hello, thanks for calling [fake brewery’s name]. How may I help you?
Me: Yes, I’m calling to inquire about the assistant to the brewer position.
Brewery Rep: What are your qualifications?
Me: I’m working towards my Ph.D. in philosophy.
Brewery Rep: I’m sorry, sir. You said philosophy and not chemistry, right?
Me: Yes, I’m writing a dissertation on [some radical and cutting edge topic].
Me: And uhhh, according to the APA’s website, someone, at sometime, with a Ph.D. in philosophy became a brewer.
Me: Ummmm. (Silence) Oh! I also drink a lot of beer when I’m not [and when I am] writing [said amazing dissertation].
Brewery Rep: Are you serious?
Me: Sure I am. In fact, I think because my beer of choice won a blue ribbon in some beer competition I am uniquely qualified to come up with a formula for very tasty beer. You see, it begins with only the finest hops and grains...
Brewery Rep: Goodbye, sir.
Me: Did I mention I drink a lot of beer?
Fuck. I should’ve known I had a better chance at being an assistant manager of a hotel. Yeah, I like the sound of that: Dr. Assistant Budget Inn Manager.