Rocking the Passive Voice VI

How about this for reassuring?

I can assure you that your application was read with attention and evaluated carefully.

Really? I suppose so, if by “your application was read with attention” you mean “someone glanced briefly at our AOS,” and by “evaluated carefully” you mean “we tossed it in the recycling bin after 45 seconds.”

And just because that wasn’t enough passive voice. . .

In this case, however, you were not among those finalists for the position who were invited to campus.

Um, I know that. Want to know how I know? You didn’t fucking interview me at the APA, assholes.